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Poems By Alan Houghton
THE ENTERTAINMENT TAX
There is a rumour going around
TV licence 200 pounds
It's a
tax on our enjoyment they complain
There's nothing but repeats, it's a
pain
There's nowt on, not worth it they cry
So why do they watch it,
why?
They won't pay, want it for free
Or on prescription maybe
Licence
fee dodger put in jail
Speaks to the cameras, sells his tale
I'm a TV
licence martyr
The price of my story, I'm prepared to barter
I'll be
famous you'll see
People will see me on TV
I'll be my own soap opera,
famous for one hour
Until people lose interest, then it'll all go
sour
It's terrible no TV in my cell
Without Eastenders life is
hell
Nothing to say to other inmates
Pay fine quick, leave prison
gates
I will pay up, can't do without it
Find something else to do? I
doubt it
Think, talk, read a book, or go for a walk
That would mean making
an effort, people would talk
The poor man's got no TV, what does he do
I'm
glad this isn't me - aren't you?
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FOOD HYPOCRISY
I'm English, I eat
English grub
But I drink German lager in my local pub
No need for foreign
food, it won't be missed
But I always like a curry, especially when I'm
pissed
Lasagna, Pasta, Bombay Duck
You won't catch me eating foreign
muck
I won't eat food from a foreign land
It might have been touched by a
foreign hand
Hold on what is this I see
My Christmas dinner beside the
tree
Brussels sprouts, Cyprus potatoes
Boiled carrot and Swede
Good old
British food, yes indeed
Don't forget Turkey on a China plate
This is
traditional British food
Not that foreign stuff I hate
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MODERN XMAS RULES
It was the 24th of December, Father Christmas came to call
With
a cry of Merry Christmas to one and all
Down the chimney he went sack full of
presents in hand
In the fireplace with a thump he did land
Presents for
boys and girls young and old
Made by elves at the North Pole (or so we are
told)
But wait, with a cry of hold on hey!
Oh no! It's the man from the
RSPCA
This sleigh is overloaded; to the reindeer you are cruel
Only 50
pounds of presents to each deer is the new rule
But, said Santa, if I do as
you say
I would need more than one sleigh
If I don't deliver these
presents to all the girls and boys
They will be unhappy because they will
have no toys
I must get some help Santa did say
I know! I'll fit some
rockets to my sleigh
Then my reindeer will feel no strain
And the RSPCA
man will give me no more pain
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MONEY MADNESS
I've been working ever so hard
To
make the payments on my credit card
Food on the table, petrol in the
car
Costs me a fortune, 29 per cent APR
The trouble with credit
cards
Is they are so convenient
If buying stuff when broke is your
intent
The other day I met a bloke
Who solved my problems at a
stroke
Take some scissors and cut up your card
Don't worry you won't find
it hard
Now carry some money around, not a lot
Because now you can't spend
money you haven't got
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LIFE'S NOT A REHEARSAL
Here's an open invitation
To join the
world of education
Join a class and learn something new
But I already have
one thing I know how to do
To learn two things would be a strain
I don't
think I've got room in my brain
It's very simple, just give it a
try
Nothing to it, it's as easy as pie
I don't think I will, I'm all
right
How about you mate? I don't know I might
Some people would rather do
nothing all day
Just to pass the time away
Life is for living, it's never
too late
Come on through, just open the gate
A more interesting world you
will find
Plenty of things to occupy your mind
Life is not a rehearsal,
give it a try
You won't get anywhere by being shy
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TIME ON MY HANDS
I'm a
lazy sod! I drive to the corner shop
Don't eat boiled eggs because I'd have
to crack the top
I use self adhesive stamps that don't need to be
licked
From a tin I eat fruit that someone else has picked
In the
microwave I cook my five minute rice
Despite waiting so long it still tastes
very nice
No need to walk miles to get fruit from a hedgerow
They sell it
in Morissons - didn't you know?
Technology is great, oh yes you bet
With a
remote control I turn on my TV set
From my chair I no longer have to
rise
Unnecessary effort is a thing I despise
I'm amazed at all the time I
can save
I wonder what I'll do with it when I'm lying in my grave
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I'M NOT YOUNG ANYMORE
I'm going to a festival, let's see who's the band
What? Thirty
of the best DJ's in the land
A hundred pounds to spend three days sitting in
mud
These damn DJ's better be good
Who are these guys, what's their
intent?
They make a fortune but can't play an instrument
Chemical
stimulants available to all
Will I enjoy it? Sure I'll have a ball
They're
all on ecstasy loving their fellow man
I'd rather have beer sold from a rusty
transit van
No Motorhead, no Beatles (we can but hope)
Sitting round a
camp fire smoking dope
Where's Led Zeppelin or Here and Now?
Yo dude chill
to this DJ-wow!
Oh no! I've had a terrible fright
There's not an electric
guitar in sight
Twenty thousand people looking like wrecks
Spending three
days watching men fiddle with record decks
I've had enough I'm in a
daze
Think I'll go home and listen to Purple Haze
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WEATHER OR NOT?
Weather is great it's everywhere
It appears like magic out of thin air
Rain falls,
then oh what a shame!
It has to return from whence it first came
The suns
nuclear furnace burning bright
Sends us heat and gives us light
Sending
water vapour into the air
Turning into clouds blown here and
there
Rainbows made by water splitting light
Don't last long before they
take flight
Without weather we couldn't exist
So this final comment I
can't resist
People complain it's either too cold or too hot
So the
question is - weather or not?
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MAKE A CHANGE
It's not right you know, I'm always
being told
Especially by people who are quite old
Fish fingers that
contain no cod
Non-believers who say oh my god
Fundamentalists who do as
they're told
Their souls to Satan already are sold
Football fans who beat
and maim
If the team you support is not the same
People on streets begging
for cash
Turning my money into cigarette ash
Teenage vandals smashing
glass
Kids causing chaos in class
Noisy drunks who won't keep
quiet
Parents who let their kids run riot
Don't say what's the world
coming to?
The only ones who can change it are me and you
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WAITING FOR GOD
Old lady sitting in nursing home
grounds
Has life savings of two thousand pounds
Worked all her life to
keep the wolf from the door
Despite that she's still quite poor
In a
munitions factory she worked all day
Doing her bit to keep Hitler's men at
bay
When war was over she bought a small shop
Ended up marrying the
village cop
For fifty years she opened the shop each day
Serving the
community in her own small way
Eighty five years old now and in failing
health
She spends her days helping those worse off than herself
She
worries that when her money runs out
Will she be homeless, will they throw
her out?
Her husband long gone, shot down by a thug
She waits for god to
pull the plug
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WE ARE NOT AMUSED
Can someone tell me why we have royalty?
Distant
people to whom some swear loyalty
Living in stately homes and palaces
grand
Living off the fat of the land
Maids and servants by the score
A
uniformed flunkey to open every door
A royal train at their command
A
royal yacht to take them to a foreign land
Millions of pounds and no
return
Will the British taxpayer never learn?
Tell me, just what are they
really worth?
They're only royal by accident of birth
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THE NEW EDUCATION
One times
two is two, two times two is four
They don't teach that in school
anymore
Work out the area of a piece of land
Using Pythagoras, HB pencil
in hand
Minus one squared equals one
The square root of nothing is
none
With this stuff I filled my brain
I thought maths was a bit of a
pain
It will all come in useful, you bet
When a decent job you wish to
get
Things have changed since my schooldays
They have abandoned all the
old ways
Now I don't wish to seem mean
But often I've noticed the
following scene
Teenage girl fresh out of school
She's got one GCSE, she's
no fool
Gets a job in a newsagents shop
Selling sweets and cans of
pop
How much for a packet of crisps and a can of coke?
Sorry dunno, my
calculators broke
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AN HONEST LIVING
The other night I heard a crash
And up the
stairs I did dash
I saw a man in a striped shirt and mask
Going about his
burgling task
I called a policeman who arrived in an hour
Ready to
exercise his legal power
Listen, said the burglar his eyes full of
tears
I've got five kids and a mortgage in arrears
My life's always been
in a sorry state
I didn't get a teddy bear till I was eight
Have a heart
guv don't take me to the nick
Because I've got a lawyer who'll get me out
real quick
Now then said the copper, listen to me
I'll have to let this
man go free
But officer why are you so forgiving?
I can't stop a man from
making an honest living
So the burglar man went on his way
Free to burgle
another day
The copper said the next bit is what I hate
I've got to write
a report in triplicate
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SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE
Isn't it ridiculous the old lady said
As
she lay next to her husband in bed
The things kids get away with
today
Their parents let them have all their own way
We'd never have got
away with the things they do
Smoking, drinking, having sex too
Her husband
said remember what we did in years gone by
Listening to loud music and
getting high
Staying out all night
Giving our parents a fright
Forty
years from now those kids will say
Isn't it disgraceful the things kids do
today
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TECHNOLOGY GONE MAD
Buy a new mobile phone today
And throw the old one
away
Even though you haven't had it long
It still works, nothing's gone
wrong
Silver tongued salesman commission in mind
Gives you three hours
free talk time, oh how kind
It's got fifty ring tones, twenty games
too
And a hundred page handbook to show you what to do
Picture messaging,
texting and wap
Do we really need all that crap?
People ten feet apart
text messaging
Much easier with two cans and a piece of string
Why do
people with mobiles shout?
They do it to spread their trivial message
about
Everyone on the bus must be told
I'm on the 501 and its fucking cold
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MAD MARY
Mary had a little lamb, her father shot it dead
Now Mary takes
it to school between two slices of bread
Mary cried, where is the rest of my
lamb?
Father said, "its here in this can of Spam"
Mary took the can to
school
Even though it was against the rule
"You've gone crazy" the teacher
quipped
"You're nuts, bonkers, you've flipped
And what's more you're
round the twist
I'm sure you need a psychiatrist"
"Lock me in the
nuthouse, I don't care
With the inmates my can I will share"
Two men in
white coats duly came
The neighbours said, "oh what a shame
She's off to
the nuthouse once again
All because her little lamb was slain
If only
she'd had a normal pet
She would still be with us yet"
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TIME TO STOP
It will
happen just as it was planned
Smoking in the workplace will be
banned
People will deliberately become unemployed
Smoking is the only
thing they've ever enjoyed
"If I can't smoke in public places I won't go
out"
Is one of the things I've heard them shout
"It's my right to smoke,
I'll do what I like"
Oh no you won't mate, on yer bike!
Don't you think
its time you had some consideration?
For the state of your health and that of
the nation
You laugh at drug addicts and call them scum
But a nicotine
addict is what you've become
Six fags an hour all day long
A junkie has
one fix a day, you say he's in the wrong
"Smoking is my only pleasure they
can't take it away
What am I going to do on that dreadful day?
If I can't
smoke I'll drink instead
I need something to do or I might as well be
dead"
Get a life, stop smoking is the thing to do
You'll be healthy,
wealthy, and live longer too
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BUDGET BLUES
He's put fags up again they all
shout
What's this budget business all about?
Every year it's the same old
routine
The Chancellor gets his chance to be mean
Nine pence on fags, a
penny on beer
It's the same thing year after year
No doubt the Chancellor
must be clever
To balance the books he must endeavor
He tries his best
there is no doubt
To sort the country's finances out
Looking closely a
little bias I find
He has the welfare of the rich in mind
And so
once more it came to pass
A greater burden for the working class
Its
outrageous, a scam, and that's not all
It's called robbing Peter to pay
Paul
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TV TRAUMA
Digital TV is coming, people don't know what it means
In
three years time there'll be a lot of blank screens
The BBC send out leaflets
to explain the details
"But I don't understand it" everybody wails
People
are like ostriches burying their heads in the sand
They'll get a shock on the
day of old style telly's last stand
People will think the change is somewhat
unkind
But keep up with technology or you'll be left behind
It's their own
fault they couldn't be bothered to find out
Exactly what this new fangled
telly's all about
At taking in information some folk are very lax
I
sometimes think their ears are full of wax
But hang on, I know how to get the
message across
I'll go to the ITV and have a word with the boss
Emily
Bishop has a dream about the day
When she wakes up and her TV picture had
gone away
Clever Ken Barlow will explain what went wrong
And tell her what
she should have known all along
Get yourself a new digital TV and it will be
alright
Only then will the viewing public see the light
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LUMINOUS LAWMEN
The
other night I saw something I like
A policeman riding around on a
bike
Riding around in a bright yellow jacket
No more cars, saves the
taxpayer a packet
Only problem is the sight of that jacket so
bright
Causes all the criminals to take flight
The sight of coppers on the
beat
Causes villains to make a hasty retreat
The problem is you'll never
make an arrest
Riding around in a bright yellow vest
Bring back the C.I.D
(cops in disguise)
Then the lawbreakers won't get wise
Creep up on the
buggers and say, "ok son you're nicked
Don't say anything you know you're
licked
Your collar's been felt the cells are warm"
The indignity, getting
nicked by a cop with no uniform
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I DON'T WANT TO BE NORMAL
Normal people have two point four
kids
Stainless steel saucepans with circular lids
They've got sky TV and a
satellite dish
A cup final ticket is their greatest wish
They shop at
Tesco for perfectly uniform fruit
They'll sell their car in next week's
loot
Call their kids Kylie or Whitney
Their mums and dads like Gene
Pitney
They spend their time watching Big Brother
Read The Sun from cover
to cover
The next door neighbour is their other lover
They shag one and
then the other
I hate normal people cast from the same mould
Spending
their days doing as they're told
I'm not normal I want to stand out from the
crowd
When I die I'll wear a purple shroud
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THE BUSTLING BISHOP
The other day from
the corner of my eye
I saw an Anglican bishop pass by
This portly gent,
with a religious bent
Seemed to be wearing a large black tent
Sailing
along like a ship under full steam
He really was rather broad in the
beam
You'll never see a bishop weighing ten stone three
They're always
heavier than you or me
The reason for this is plain to see
From a punch up
they've never had to flee
Don't annoy a bishop, trying to be hard
You may
find your path to heaven is barred
Bishops are peaceful, they never
fight
So don't bash your bishop, it just ain't right
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WHO IS JEZ?
The
writings on the wall, its very clear
Jez from Breightmet wuz ere
I'm so
distraught, I'm so upset
Because I didn't get to meet Jez of
Breightmet
Who is Jez, what has he done?
Perhaps the lottery he has
won?
He could be a footballer or something like that
A famous cricketer
who's handy with a bat
Jez must be really famous that's my bet
But no!
He's just a stupid spray can kid from Breightmet
Dear Jez let me make
something clear
No one cares whether Jez wuz ere
Long after you're
graffiti has faded away
Will anyone say "I wonder where Jez is
today?"
Next time some spray paint you intend to buy
Give the money to
charity, be a decent guy
Though the recipient won't know who you were
You
can make your mark by showing you care
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WATCH YOUR WALLET
I sometimes think I
must be off my head
I just paid a pound for a loaf of bread
Fifty pence
for a tin of beans
Forty quid for a pair of jeans
I'm not exactly a man of
means
My wallet's not bursting at the seams
These prices are extremely
extortionate
Compared to my income they're disproportionate
Bolton market
sells three loaves for a quid
Did I get some? You bet I did
I wouldn't pay
forty quid for jeans if I was able
I don't care about no designer
label
Half of what we buy we just don't need
We're just fuelling a
manufacturers greed
Waste is wonderful the makers say
Buy something you
don't need, then throw it away
Years ago a washing machine lasted for
life
Now you need another before you marry your second wife
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WAY BACK WHEN
In a time called way back when
Pubs closed at half past ten
Shop
assistants called you sir
Everyone had short hair
A gallon of petrol cost
six bob
And everyone had a job
Bobbies rode around on bicycles
Little
kids fell off tricycles
Breakfast was milk and ricicles
Drainpipes got
covered in icicles
Days seemed to be much longer
Beer was definitely much
stronger
Drunks always danced the conga
And you got a screw from an
ironmonger
Children were seen but not heard
Doctor Who made me
scared
To us it would have been a mystery
That in 2006 we'd be studied as
history
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Copyright - Alan Houghton 2012